Tuesday, February 24, 2009

just like life


Super models

Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having a discussion about the charms, or lack there-of of the super model Stephanie Seymour.

"I say she's highly over-rated," said one "Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs and that figure, and what have ya got?

"My wife" said the other with a heavy sigh!

Perfect Marriage

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas .

3. I take my wife everywhere.. ...but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.! My wife asked "What's on the TV?"I said "Dust!"
Women Powers

At an international women's conference the topic for discussion was: How to empower women in the home.

The first speaker was the British representative. She stood up and said, "I decided to make a stand against my husband's oppression and so I told him that I would no longer be doing the washing. After the first day I saw no result; after the second day I saw nothing; but after the third day he did his own washing."

The delegates applauded this brave stand for women's rights.

The second speaker was from America. She stood up and said, "I told my husband that I was no longer prepared to cook for him as it was a form of enslavement. After the first day I saw no result, after the second day I saw no result; but after the third day he cooked a meal for the both of us."

Again the conference applauded.

Next came the Australian delegate. She said, "I told my husband that I would no longer be doing the shopping. After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day I saw nothing; but after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
Before the marriage

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She
puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of
him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches
as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are
you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we
were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies
The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when
your father caught us in the
back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for
20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his
cheek and said, "I would have been released today" . . .

The real Joe Schmoe

Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.

He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife's cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?" Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.

Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?". Again Joe thought this was good stuff.

Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"

The government cuts costs

The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.

"Steve," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged destroyers."

To which the husband replies, "Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure you'll miss your mother being gone."

Unfaithful Hubby

Rita was standing vigil over her husband's deathbed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber.

He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."

But he was insistent. "Rita," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Rita. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Rita. I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother."

Rita mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now dear, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said.

"Now you be still, and let the poison work."

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